House Proud

By Harold Lawrence

Though I've worked 'ard all me life, I can't say that I've got a lot in the way of posh furniture, in fact I doubt if the whole lot 'll be worth a 'tenner' when I'm gawn. But it was all bought and paid for out of
me charring, and I'm proud of it. I like to keep it looking nice. Nuffin wrong in that surely? I always keep it polished and dusted. Never liked dust in the 'ouse, even during the blitz. I wage war on dust in
peacetime as much as I did when Hitler was trying to mess up me 'ouse. No, There's nuffin wrong in that. Though my old man reckons I'm bloody  'ouse proud and that's why 'e spends all 'is time down
the Labour Club. "This place aint an 'ome, it's more like Buckinham Pelace",he says. 'Is sense of 'umour does wear a bit thin sometimes. Like the other night, when 'e come 'ome a little bit unsteady on
'is feet. I'd polished the floor, earlier, and it looked lovely. As ' e stepped in to the room, one leg went one way and the other went the other way and he crashed on to his bum. 'E looked just like one of them ice skaters that you see on the telly. "Five point eight for artistic impression", I said. "Stupid cow !" he replied.

We did 'ave a night in together back last winter. We both sat on the settee; I'd covered it up with an old sheet so that we wouldn't make it dirty. It was lovely. We played scrabble. E got right iffy wiv me when I scored thirty-seven points wiv just four letters.

" V-I-M-S!" he shouted, "that aint a word!"

" Oh yes it is", I said, " I vims my sink!" He went off to bed in a huff, but I 'ad 'im there!

Tomorrow, if it's fine, I'll whiten me door-step and polish the knocker. It's important to keep up appearances. Not like that Dolly Seymour at number 35. Dirty bitch, she is. Then she always was a slut.

" Cleanliness is next to Godliness" me Mother always used to say. Oh no, look at the state of that window, sticky fingers all over it. Can't 'e look out of a window wivout putting 'is ands all over it? Oh well, a squirt of 'Windowlene' and a bit of elbow grease, it'll soon be as bright as nine-pence. I'll wash up and tidy the kitchen. Then, after, I'll have a nice cup of tea.

I think I'll have a little sit down first.

You know, I spend all my time polishing, dusting and cleaning, but does 'e care? Not on your nelly! I aint as young as I was. It fair wears me out these days.

I feel so tired. I must sleep...sleep...................

I'll tidy up later...........sleep...I'll...whiten ....me... step.....I'll...................................................................................

"Break the door down Constable!"

" Oh my God Sarge! The smell, it's making me retch. What a mess. I've never seen such squalor. It's cleaner down the Tip. Here's her Body Sarge, it looks like a bundle of rags. What a way to die. Has she got any family?"

" No son, she was a spinster, no-one cared for her. She lived and died alone with her fantasies.... Call the undertakers, Constable. They'll tidy her up. Be assured, she will at least go to her rest, with dignity, in a shiny oak casket, and her name for ever engraved in  polished brass.