The Adventures of Pizza Girl The "Life's a funny thing" Edition

"Now they are so bushy I have to pluck them both every day"

By Pizza Girl

Seven Dials Vehicular Traffic Intersection.

Pizza Girl

The removal of the tattoos from my eyebrows has been a complete triumph. Having them tattooed had seemed a great idea at the time, but how was I to ever know that the hairs would start growing back again? Fortunately not a single person ever realised I had "falsies". Now they are so bushy I have to pluck them both every day. Life is a funny thing. "Life is a funny thing." The same words Nicole Kidman had said to me only yesterday. Did I mention Nicole is staying with me for a few days whilst recording the new Renault Clio advert? You know the one with Nicole and Papa, except it isn't really her Papa? Her Dad lives in Alice Springs not France. Nicole is a darling and such a talent; we studied together at the Ponds Institute. Nicole simply adores the Dials, the local shopkeepers make such a fuss of her, they love her almost as much as her spending sprees. This visit she bought a set of six posture chairs from the new posture chair shop. She had tried to buy the five fetid, heavily stained chairs from the Chinese take-away but they just wouldn't sell. If chairs could talk! It costs more to freight the posture chairs to her New Mexico earth-ship ranch than it cost to buy them. I generally find Hollywood friends are a bit vacuous regarding money, don't you? Nicole couldn't believe how the Dials had changed since her last visit. The pedestrianisation from Compton Avenue to Bath Street following the Council decree that all the shops become life-style stores or restaurants was surely inspired, although some think it wasn't. I must confess to missing the estate agents, the insurance shop and especially the bathroom sink store. (I bought my Licquorice Allsorts patterned toilet suite there.) At the end of the day a Dutch coffee shop, a French patisserie and a Turkish Locanta are a pretty good trade-off. How we ever lived without them, probably no one will ever know. Nicole treats the Seven Dials like a third home from third home, but without the desert landscape. Her favourite day here is Saturday and Sunday when the now regular World Street Market encamps. Fresh, locally-sourced food has long been my mantra and to be able to get Moroccan and Chilean produce virtually at the end of my street is a dream come true. West Hill weekends are now so popular with the DFLs [Down From London - Ed] it's like a Camden-Gastro-Market-On-Sea. Bliss. M'Kiddo and I were joined by my weekend house guests, Winehouse and Biggins. The four of us sat outside Blenio's, gulping vintage White Lightning cocktails as if they were in fashion. The empty blue plastic bottles adorned our VIP table like a kitsch Festival art installation. Biggins entertained us by reading aloud from the ever bemusing Brighton Argus. We giggled conspiratorially as we heard that Fodor's Rough Planet Guide to England was once again slating Brighton as "tacky", but we didn't care a jot as our very own slice of Little London as usual got a glowing mention. "The Dials is the place to be seen and be seen whilst watching everyone in the world pass by." According to Biggins "Brighton is yesterday's blackboard special." The new dishy darling is St Leonards-on- Sea. SLOS. According to Biggins, SLOS now tops The Guardian Cappuccino Index. The London cognoscenti are flocking there in droves buying third homes and gorging themselves on its newly regenerated faded grandeur. "Brighton is yesterday's Frappacino" Biggins bellowed. According to Biggins "The Dials had the vision to invest its pink pound prophetically and twin with Bobo Dioulasso in Burkina Fasso". We all nodded necessarily knowingly. It's often the best way when Biggy "goes off on one". Only Ripinda from our Tin Drum Latte Society can match him intellectually. Amy was intrigued that Tesco had recently bought every single shop at the Seven Dials. Ripinda calls it the Tescolonisation of the Dials. It's worked out very well as it means you can now sit outside The Little Buddha and get a drink brought over from the Drum, a Chicken Massala delivered from Tropical Curryland or even get some cream-based food sent along from the Dials Restaurant. "You mean everything is interchangeable and transposable like a pioneering nouveau concept for living?" slurred Winehouse. The sweet mockney waif had certainly grasped this revolutionary idea with characteristic aplomb. From within the new Tesco Village it's such fun wandering from shop to shop, eating, pedicuring, doing your laundry or buying a stamp, and, best of all, it all goes on your Tesco card account. Basically the Dials is now a superstore dressed as an uber stylish-retro-trendy Greenwich Village high street. Brilliant or what? Even better is that you get points too. Of course it's not all thumbs up. Some people have complained they can't actually get into the Dials anymore. I find that difficult to believe as you only have to have a Tesco Platinum Card, dress appropriately and be nice to the door staff to get admission. I have noticed though, that there aren't many children or older people with overcoats and head scarves around anymore, which is a shame. Nicole agreed and said "Maybe they have all gone to St Leonards? Life is a funny thing." "She's certainly got a point there." Biggins bellowed. Pizza Girl is sponsored by Tesco Village, formerly the Seven Dials. For updates do visit the brightonpizzagirl.blogspot.com.